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Naked Weapon (2002)
IMDB rating: 5.50
Plot: Like a contagious virus, pretty and athletic girls in their teens start dissappearing around the globe one after another. The mastermind behind these abductions is Madame M (Almen Wong), who plans to train these girls into professional killers. After several years of gruesome training, only Charlene (Maggie Q), Katt (Anya) and Jill (Jewel Lee) survive and become the world’s most sought after professional killers. On a recent mission to assassinate someone in Hong Kong, however CIA agent Jack (Daniel Wu), who vows to help her reclaim her past by eliminating Madame M.
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Directors: Ching Siu-Tung
Actors: Wu Daniel,Aguerreberry Augustin,Lai Benny,Chan Dennis,Lin Hoi,Action,Drama,Romance,Thriller,
I read this and wondered if it would make you laugh as much as it did me?
ONLY AN AMERICAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself,
‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I’ll do my best …
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ….!!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered
conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is
difficult, try being stupid !!!
Once again you come up trumps George, I like the name for the cat,but I bet Miss allen was not so pleased. This wasn’t drawn from a personal experience was it? If it was what happened to your cigar when you tazered yourself? or are you still looking for it. Your ar*e still smoking?
Must say the descriptive passages were side splitting couldn’t help laughing myself picturing that poor guy (or was it you) flying through the air and the cat taking off after him.
Keep ‘em coming George and calm Gracie down.
trident | Nov 30, 2009
excellent.!
da'zone | Nov 29, 2009
lol
In a survey of American women, when asked,
"Would you sleep with President Clinton?"
86% replied, "Not again."
J L | Nov 29, 2009
You’re right, only an American could be that stupid.
Helloooooooooooooooooooooo America!!
A Bubbling Pot of Evil and Hate | Nov 29, 2009
very funny enjoyed the story
chas1 | Nov 29, 2009
where the heck do you find stuff like this??????
psycological fish | Nov 29, 2009
hahahahahahaha—star
dryBri aka Eatonwrite RETURNS! | Nov 29, 2009
Thank you! I needed that laugh!
Linda K Texan for Life | Nov 29, 2009
Why would you do something that stupid.
Ephraim B | Nov 29, 2009
ive just wet myself laughing
i can just picture this guy frying himself
lol
2 great posts the mugger and the tazer
A1 greybear
david | Nov 29, 2009
This is to loong i have a life to go to
MJ is a P.Y.T | Nov 29, 2009
Oh dear God, buy that was horrible! I’m still laughing, nearly lost my bladder…
… Ya are trying ta kill me!
Not a toy to take swimming, is it?
This Is A Keeper, Good Show !
Roderick B | Nov 29, 2009
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg owww! that guy…….he can write about his own electrocuted castration? ow! his wife must be a horrible person to laugh at him for it!
?(?_?)?? | Nov 29, 2009
Wow that was funny, made you cringe and cross your legs just reading it. Thanks again for that one it was a good laugh.
Laredo | Nov 29, 2009
Very funny story, But has the cat recovered lol
friends fan | Nov 29, 2009
OMG i failed ur challenge!!! i couldnt not laugh! that was hilarious!
X.x.naruto.bleach.shugachara.x.X | Nov 29, 2009
I love it!!
Zabes | Nov 29, 2009
Ive had to stop reading this story half way to wipe my face and go for a loo break.By the time i finished my ribs were hurting.Don’t know where you get all this from,but keep it coming.
gretta | Nov 29, 2009
Won der fool
ashutosh.tadkase | Nov 30, 2009
lmfao. tears in my eyes the whole time, that was amazing. watta dumb ass, he coulda just youtube’d it. the fluent way in which he spoke made it extra funny.
shimmyshanka | Nov 30, 2009
Funny.
Phillip K | Nov 30, 2009
Speechless !!
Tears in my eyes make it difficult to type !
Made my day – thanks & happy St Andrews Day. xxx
Elephant's Child | Nov 30, 2009
HAHA! what is wrong with the world!
moi.sparkel | Nov 30, 2009
