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I'm writing a comic book script ,and I need critique this is just 7 pages tell me if you would read more thnx?
PAGE 1:

PANEL A: *Exterior Shot of a 12 floor building,a big floored sign outside reads: ARROW labs of Nano technology studies, and experimentation it is dawn out as the lab is going to close*

Panel B: *A shot of a women wearing casual clothes holding a white science coat walking out a door while a man is looking at something through a microscope*

Female walking out: "See ya Ben have a nice weekend."
Male at desk: "Bye Karen say hi to John for me."

Panel C: *The building is dark, every 5 lights are on, giving off sort of horror movie feel,as a very close up shot of the man’s finger pressing the call button on the elevator.*
{SFX-Click}
<Character off panel>: C’mon C’mon

PANEL D: *The elevator is shown open as 3 men are seen as the women who said bye is laying on the elevator floor dead from a gunshot wound to the head. One of the men is a Tall well built black man with long dreads wearing all black holding a impressive handgun with a silencer. Another man is a white average built man also wearing all black he is leaning on the back of the elevator his arms crossed he has a smart alack smile holding a well designed knife. The last man would be wearing an all black trench coat his face would have a long scar going across it the man would look as though he was in his mid fifties he would be standing in the middle of the elevator.

Man leaning on back of elevator: "You chose the wrong night to work overtime."

PANEL E: *A shot of the scientist hitting the ground face first*
{SFX-THUD}
<Off panel> "Unlock it!"

PAGE 2

Panel A: *A mid shot of the scientist sweating bullets inputting a code on a small chrome safe on a wall. as the black man with dread holds a gun to the his head, as the other two watch*
{SFX-BEEP BEEP BEEP}

Man unlocking safe: "please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me." I’m just a regular guy nano science nerd. I won’t tell anyone ,just take the stuff, and I won’t say anything!"

Smart Aleck man with knife: "We won’t hurt you we just want what’s in the safe."

PANEL B: *A small panel of a view from the inside of the safe looking out as the office man opens it looking ecstatic.*

Office man: Really!

Panel C : * A small panel right next to Panel B of the view still inside the safe looking out as the man’s eyes bulge, and his mouth gapes open.
{SFX-Pew}(silenced gun fire)

Panel D: *The scientist man drops to the ground dead from a gun shot to the head*
{SFX- Thud}
Smart Aleck guy: "No."

Panel E*A bird’s eye view of the 3 men as 1 of them is reaching inside the safe, the dead body is lying in a puddle of his own blood, as the smart Aleck man puts his gun away.

(In case not clear on setting they ‘re in a laboratory there are test tubes on tables, computers blinking, and beeping, and tools, and equipment everywhere)

Smart Aleck guy: "Man I like doing that."

PAGE 3

Panel A: *The man with the scar is holding a box with a test tube , and a syringe in it inside the test tube is what seems like hundreds of very VERY small silver ants. –Close up on the test tube, and syringe–

<off panel> Black man with dreads: "That’s it! We’re getting paid to steal that?"

Man with scar: "No…"

Panel B: *A very slim panel of a close shot of the scarred man’s eyes, they looks sneaky, and evil.*

Man with scar: "I am.."

Panel C: *Man with dreads with his hand on his other gun (conveying him trying to go for it)*
{SFX-BOOM}

Panel D: *The man with the dreads falls to the ground his mouth gaped open as smoke is coming his forehead (The place where he got shot)
{SFX-Clud}

PAGE 4
:

Panel A: *The smart alack man would kick the black guys dead body*
{SFX- thuk}

Smart alack man: "Damn old man ever hear of a silencer…? "

Man with scar <Off panel>: "You talk too much."
{SFX: Click Clack}(sound of him cocking gun back}

Panel B: *A multi image blur (Like the drawing style used to draw the movements of characters with super speed.) of the smart alack guy beating the living shit out of the old scarred man forcing him to his knees and to drop the box.*
{SFX- whatever sound effects the artists thinks is best for the ass kicking}

Smart alack man: "How are you even still being hired you’re like 50 something..?

Scarred Man: "You don’t even know what your’re stealing…"

Panel C: *The smart alack man snaps the scarred man’s neck*
{SFX- CRACK, SNAP]
Smart Alack guy: And I don’t care….

Panel D: *The smart alack guy would look up to see 2 cops holding regular 9mm pistols one of the cops is a average sized white male, and the other is a heavyset white male with no facial hair, the smart alack guy would be grinning as if something was funny*

Average sized cop: FREEZE!

Smart Alack guy: "Now I’m really not a good listener so…"

Panel E: *The heavyset cop would be shaking in his boots as he looks over at the dead bodies by the safe* <small top corner panel showing dead bodies>

Smart Alack

I think the nanites would spark my interest. I’d be curious as to whether a super-hero or super-villain would be created from them or if they were just something to be fought over.

So, I’d probably read more but if people kept dropping dead left and right, I’d quit reading. But that’s just me.

Hope that helped!
Grumpy Ain't Nothin' | Oct 18, 2009